Today was a day for spontaneous good dialogue at my house.  For example:

Me:  I'm taking a mental health day tomorrow.
Karen:  Oh.  I hope it works.

Or--

James:  (yells a warning to Buster Keaton as he's watching a DVD)
Me:  You know, he can't hear you.
James:  I know.  Because it's a silent movie.

And, while Karen was showing Natalie (12) her baby pictures as James and I are waiting to start Buffy, she shows Natalie a picture of the first time she ever had chocolate cake.

Me:  A loss of innocence.
James:  They should do that for vampires.  Take a picture of their first taste of human blood.
Me:  (pinching invisible cheeks) oh, isn't he cute?  isn't he a cute vampire?
James:  I'll bet he'd be mortified.

Living with people.  It can be entertaining.

We introduced Natalie to Buffy tonight.  Season 1.  First three episodes.  Since Natalie is extremely fashion conscious, it made me aware of how long ago season 1 was filmed.  Eg:  In the Harvest, Buffy is walking around in the sewers and a rat runs in front of her foot.

Natalie:  Ew!
Me:  The square-toed boots?
Natalie:  Yes!  (beat) Well, and the rat.

Tabitha and I decorated Eric's desk area for his return to the office today.  It was done along a "welcome back to the WEST coast" so everything is mid-70's groovy.  We left peace signs on all his stacks of paper, covered up his files with a sarong, hung a bamboo curtain and a macrame plant holder (with string from the autopsy suite), and liberally scattered albums around on his desk--the Who's Tommy album, Earth Wind & Fire, Simon & Garfunkel, Jefferson Starship.  Also left a tiger-print pillow on his chair with a hand-lettered sign that said "Keep on Truckin' -- Eric will be back July 8th".  It looked a bit like this:

Oh yeah -- I forgot to metnion the half-melted wizard/tree trunk candle and the incense holder. 

Eric's reaction was great -- he felt "totally happy to be back" and said this really made his day. 

Yay!

This is our household FAQ, still in its draft stages.  James & Karen & I have been working on it for the past few days.  I've lived here since last September and though we started as mostly renter/landlords and friends, we've become more intentional as a community.  I'm excited by how many of our values we share in common, and by how well things have been working so far (knock on wood).  So, yeah, for those interested, here it is.  

What is Dragon House?
Dragon House is our home.  We are currently two nuclear families assembled into one chosen extended family.  Full or part-time residents are 3 adults and six children.  Dragon House is also the way we extend our home and family to others in our circle.  Our honorary members are people who choose to contribute to our household by eating, working and playing with us.     

Why dragons?
Dragons in most traditions are fierce guardians of that which has value.  Particularly in the Eastern traditions, dragons are guardians of people, land, and wisdom.  They make terrific friends, but it is unwise to seriously piss them off (for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)  Dragons are long-lived and have wings, letting them look at problems with the perspective of distance in both time and space. They are often introverts, living in solitary caves, but can also be extroverts in flights of dozens or hundreds of dragons.  They shift shape and model flexibility and situational appropriateness. 

The dragon's strength and ability to fly is related to its flame.  In Dragon House we are deeply aware of and respectful of the power of human flame, anger.  When wielded wisely and carefully controlled, anger is a source of power that we respect as a force for good.  However, we are also deeply aware of the destructive power of uncontrolled rage.  In Dragon House we strive to have the loyalty, the wisdom, and the perspective of dragons.  We also strive to avoid the destructive aspects of fire and strive to keep our flames well bounded as a source of light, life, and flight.  And cooking!  We dragons are into good food.

What are our interpersonal values?
We value and try to model for each other self-awareness, clear communication, effective problem-solving, respecting personal boundaries and courtesy.  In addition, adults are expected to back each other up when interacting with children and manage significant disagreements with each other in private.  Both residents and visitors are encouraged to ask questions about why we choose to do things a particular way and whether that is really serving our highest goals and interests.

How does our home work?
The house is owned and the mortgage is paid by James and Karen.  Other adults (that would be me right now) pay rent.  Karen is the full-time kid wrangler and house manager.  All members of the household contribute to the household by doing chores.  We strive for "a labeled place for everything and please return it to that place after you are finished using it."  (Sometimes we actually achieve this goal).  When possible, house rules are written and posted.  In general, rules apply equally to children and adults (ie:  kids can remind adults to clear their place after dinner too).  A rather impressive food pantry is kept in common and most meals are prepared and served in common.  Silent hours are midnight to 6am (a running washing machine is fine, cleaning the kitchen is not).  Quiet hours are 8pm to 8am (cleaning the kitchen is okay:  power tools are not).  Theoretically, breakfast is served at 8:30, dinner is served at 6:00, and lunch is sometime in between. 

What do we hope for ourselves as a household?
We try to be a safe haven for people of all ages, from adult friends who need a crash space for a couple nights to neighborhood children who have accidentally locked themselves out of their house.  We value slow living, recognizing what "enough" is, and questioning the dominant culture to determine what is authentic for us. We explore deep sustainability in very human terms, seeking to support the development of a culture that is healthy for body, soul, planet, and wallet.  We model our household values and lifestyle to visitors, especially children, many of whom have no previous experience with homemade bread, raspberries that can be picked in the backyard, and clearly articulated values and boundaries.

 What is our house motto?"Light a damn candle" (or in Vulcan:  Tanilau ta'hal; wafu ornat, which is literally "Provide illumination despite irritation").

Translation:  It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.  However, we acknowledge that sometimes we may occasionally light that candle with a great deal of annoyance.

and my ass has been totally munched to shreds by this week, but I survived.  (Cue: "Eye of the Tiger").  Awesome.  And now:  3-day weekend, lots of time to write, no kids until Sunday night.

Already wrote at Solstice Cafe with Mara tonight after work.  We may start doing that as a regular thing (Seattle-area writers, feel free to comment if you'd like to join us).  We've gotten together a couple of times now for coffee and writing exercises...the aim of which is free-writing & generating story ideas and poetry.  Feels good to write again. Tonight we did 5 two-minute exercises and then a 15 minute timed writing combining elements of the previous exercises.  Mara said I should teach a class.  I'm probably not going to teach a class, but I'm always willing to lead writing exercises if people want to get together and do them at a time when I'm available.

Today's Kevin's birthday so I stopped by his house and gave him a hug on my way home.  Have I mentioned lately how much I love my ex-husband?  Wouldn't want to be married again, but he's wonderful people.

The last two days have been the busiest since I've started working here, and now:  JulNaWriMo.  Am not going to be able to do much tonight, but will try to get a little puttering start...enough to build on over the long weekend.

In the meantime:  ACK! 

Posted via email from mysticsavage's posterous

High anxieties and two panic attacks so far today.  Have managed to keep them to myself for the most part.  Just ducked under my desk and breathed into a manila envelope for awhile.  Working at a training hospital -- this is our busiest time of year with the resident/fellow turnover, the end of the budget year, one faculty leaving for a sabbatical tomorrow and a temporary faculty and two visiting scholars starting on Wednesday.  Also, my supervisor is going on vacation tomorrow and I'm formatting the gross room manual--90 sections of it at the rate of about 5 minutes per section IF there are no interruptions.  So yeah, just a leeetle bit stressed at the moment.  But productive.  And managing pretty well.

You?

"As cool as it might sound, being a special snowflake in a sea of semi-conscious dirt clods is a hard place to find yourself, no matter who you are."

Posted via email from mysticsavage's posterous

From:
Psychedelic Information Theory: Shamanism in the Age of Reason by James Kent

Woke up a couple of hours ago with the day spinning around in my head -- particular Sar's party and particularly a few moments that caused me acute embarrassment in retrospect, although they were fine at the moment.  Stupid little things, like offering to hold someone's baby and having her look me over and say very nicely "Oh, I think I'll hold on to her for now".  I didn't know her at all--why should she trust me?  And I completely identified with her & was embarrassed to have offered -- when Penny and Sar were four months old, I wouldn't let just any person at a party hold them.  Well, not a party where I didn't know people.  (sigh).  Also:  my supervisor from work came to the party and I kept introducing him as "this is Eric, my supervisor" and now I wish I hadn't.  It dawned on me that it bothered him kind of gradually. It was good to see him there, but also kind of wish I'd been less anxious about the party as a whole.  Karen (O thank the GODS for Karen!) stepped in and organized the kids for different events (pinata, cake, water fight) at my invitation and to the great relief of both Kevin and me.  There were over 20 kids there, and Karen's good at keeping people safe without ruining their fun.  I'm good at keeping people safe but tend to throw in a lot of extra rules and be very cranky.  So I asked Karen for help & she did a wonderful job and everyone said it was a good party, but those two things keep bothering me--the woman with the baby and the fact that Eric left the party a little early and I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable.  I hate making people uncomfortable.  I wish, I wish, I wish I were the kind of person everyone felt relaxed around.  And none of this bothered me before I went to sleep, but you know how it is when you wake up in the middle of the night.  Everything's bigger and more provoking.

I took vicodin at the beginning of the party and was able to join in the waterfight and do a significant portion of clean up without pain.  That was amazing, particularly being able to run & chase kids and not suffer for it.  I got a legit, legal prescription from my doctor for vicodin a couple of days ago and felt like I won the medication jackpot.  Of course, Group Health is super, super cautious about opiates.  I have to keep a med journal and pick up the prescription in person and be prepared to take a urine test any time I do.  Also, the scrip is for 12 pills in a 28 day cycle.  It's a very paternalistic model of health care, but I'll put up with a lot to feel like I did during the water fight, or the way I did after I took the other pill a couple of days ago.  I was able to walk for 45 minutes--briskly--and didn't have the post-exercise fluish my-body-is-hell-wrapped-in-skin feeling until the next day. 

I'd like to learn how to love without either a) trying to find constant distraction in a partner, or b) trying to find constant comfort with a partner.  I'd like to trust life, live it without looking at the constant act of breathing as a struggle.  And I don't.  Trust life, that is.  Suspect that if I could, the loving without seeking rescue or entertainment -- that would just happen. 

Today I am drawn to Picasso's blue period. 

looking for beachside tragedies in grey fog

seeing backs where I should see faces. 

Everything is askew, backwards, sad.

There is no reason, just rhythm, a muffled drumbeat reminder:

You don't belong here. 

My father says we are all part of the same hand. 

The distance is nothing. 

He pulls his fingertips together, pads kissing the tip of the thumb. 

Separateness is an illusion, he says.

It can disappear in an instant.

But: I am the missing finger

the one lost in a thresher or blown off by a misfired gun. 

There isn't even bleeding anymore.

I'm the itching ghost where the finger used to be. 

What can you do? 

Piece together a life, as if it matters. 

Put one foot in front of the other. 

March, march, march

Until the moment it slips. 

You were never whole and don't know what that's like. 

But something on the edge there reminds you of…

something…

and that's why you chase it. 

Soften the focus, dim the lights

and maybe you're not such a ghost anymore. 

It's that other life, the one on the other side,

and all you have to do is fall.

--Virginia Lore
 

I'm getting ready for JulNaWriMo with the intent of writing 50,000 words in July.  Unlike NaNoWriMo (which you all know is in November) I am not necessarily working on a new work, and not necessarily on a novel.  My sole aim in July will be to produce 50,000 words.  They will be a combination of new short stories, new work on old novels, and new work on novels that I've started and abandoned.  My hope is not to produce sellable work out of July -- oh no, no, not likely at 1667 words per day.  My hope is to discover my next real project.  To play around with writing and see what has heat.  Hope to stumble into something that will take off and keep me writing through August, September & October.  That's what I hope.

If you're interested in joining me, check out reannon's post about JulNaWriMo -- or just join the LiveJournal Julnawrimo community and jump in.

Posted via email from mysticsavage's posterous

I just got a letter from a friend who is going through a painful time, and I wish I could do something about the pain, but I have to tell you people -- it's the best damn letter I've ever read, and one of the best stories.  It reads like JD Salinger -- it has a voice of its own.  And though I know his pain is real, and that empathy should be my first and most dominant response (and it is, in person) -- my dominant response to his letter is a combination of excitement/hero worship/envy for the incredible writing.  Ok -- jealousy, even.  ( ...does that make me a monster?)

Somebody upstairs noticed that I pummeled through four dictation files in an hour and wants to give me a transcription test.  Lots of political push-pull between the main office and this division about using me for transcription back-up and it may not happen, but ten years down the road I'd much rather be a work-from-home transcriptionist than an all purpose all the time secretary.  Color me optimistic.

Had a good day -- morning laundry & puttering, a walk to the Chinese Garden with Allen, sushi in West Seattle, bumming around downtown, got my hair colored & cut.  Rode the bus home from downtown, got home & had nice conversation with Karen & her friend Steve (& Sam & Tera), played computer games, watched Twilight again.  And now--get to stay up late because I can sleep in tomorrow.  Plans for tomorrow, until 5 (when I get the kids):  zilch.  Love that.

V.

UW recently hosted a pocket film contest with the theme of "What Do You Do at the UW?" 

Winners are here:  http://uwpocketmedia.org/2009-winners/  and the first two are highly watchable, each under 2 minutes.

Hey there and good morning--

Ton of work to do in the office this a.m. -- yesterday and today have been a nice change of pace from the end-of-quarter sloooooooooooooowness of M, T and W.  Today's tasks: CF's petty cash recipts, printer inventory, clean up NE 110A, get supplies order ready, distribute CAP slides, water plants, distribute calendars for next week, transcription x 2.  That should get me through until mid-afternoon.

Completely manic today.  Have been racing around, high as a kite, in love with the world.

Kisses!

My very cool closest gamer supervisor and I just rolled to see who had to serve on the Department's Capital Equipment Team.  Highest number "won" the honor.  He rolled the highest number.  WOOT!

Beginning to feel like I should change the title of this journal to "Oh God What Is It Now?"  Woke up last night with my neck swollen out past my jaw.  I look like Jabba the Hut.  No fever.  Throat is a little sore, but not any more than the last week or so.  Just:  oddly disfigured.  Again. (sigh).
Going to give it a day to resolve & if it doesn't, will see a doctor of some sort tomorrow.

The last week or so I've been lusting after the bento porn posted on the LJ community bentolunch .  Because of high blood pressure, I've just committed to losing another ten pounds over the next few months, so bento seems like a natural fit for me:  healthy, cheap, aesthetically pleasing.  I don't see myself making Hello Kitty faces out of egg whites (for one thing, I hate eggs), but I do think I can put together baby carrots, grapes, cherry tomatoes & etc in a way that appeals to me visually.  I've just ordered a bento box and some rice molds from Amazon.com.  Stay tuned for more on this exciting new hobby...

Very pleasant weekend with an unusual amount of introspection...lots of lying around on my bed in a semi-drugged state & thinking.  Some really good thinking, I think.

One thing I've decided:  it's so much easier to like whatever the weather is doing that I'm giving up my weather preferences.  I've decided I'm going to be passionately in love with summer when it's summer, with rain when it's rainy, with winter and cold when it's wintery and cold.  Every kind of weather has its fans, but I've noticed most people prefer one thing and then don't like the opposite thing.  For decades I've hated sunshine (it hurts my eyes and burns my skin (which sparkles like diamonds when I'm out in it so...but I digress)).  Every time I've gone outside into bright sunshine I've cringed and groaned and complained and sometimes that was enough to set me into an irritable mood.  But how much energy it takes to keep up that resistance!  I've decided it's not worth it.  Just easier to like the day, whatever the day is doing.

Another thing I'm trying to give up is the luxury of disliking people.  Throughout my life I've had one or two people at a time whom I just can't stand, who set my teeth on edge.  And then I get to know them over several years or through a crisis or something, and often they end up being a good friend or someone I admire a lot.  Well, right now there are two people who just put me on edge if I even see them coming down the road--they can be 50 yards away and I've conditioned myself to respond with hostility on sight.  A bit pavlovian, I guess.  So how much energy do I free up in my life if I just decide that I like everyone?  Or, if not like, if I can like most people and just stay neutral about the rest?  My strong dislikes are irrational.  This is much harder than giving up disliking the sun, but I think I can do it, or work toward.  Life is so much easier if you just accept every thing, every one, every condition for what it is.