The friction of motherhood, what happens when I lose it, and how ashamed I am. My decision to go back on medication. The healing my parents did around all of it this weekend, and the talks and repair my kids and I have done with each other. What happens when I'm not true to myself, and how unsure I am of what that is. My decision to be celibate and single for a few months and the emotional fall-out from that in my own heart as well as in other people's. Why I did that, what it is about, the dismantling of my okcupid and fetlife profiles, the phone conversations, the in-person conversations, the weekend with A, the feeling of life-and-death struggle with myself, too familiar to be interesting, aging, fear of aging, and pain and where the hell is all this going? Don't know. Again: back to taking it one day at a time, not knowing. Allergies, chest cold, bronchitis, suffocation, inability to breathe, punishing myself and --- don't feel sorry for me, I'm a monster -- and the struggle to stay alive, affirm life, be human and find a way to accept it. I feel so, so, so...? odd. broken and not broken at the same time. On the right track, though you'd never know it to look at me. Unless you saw auras. Dunno. I'm probably (once again) much more ok than I feel like I am. Don't feel bad. Just...kind of don't feel. And then feel too much. So all this? Maybe medication's not such a bad thing.
Just thought you should know.