mystic_savage

Woke up a couple of hours ago with the day spinning around in my head -- particular Sar's party and particularly a few moments that caused me acute embarrassment in retrospect, although they were fine at the moment.  Stupid little things, like offering to hold someone's baby and having her look me over and say very nicely "Oh, I think I'll hold on to her for now".  I didn't know her at all--why should she trust me?  And I completely identified with her & was embarrassed to have offered -- when Penny and Sar were four months old, I wouldn't let just any person at a party hold them.  Well, not a party where I didn't know people.  (sigh).  Also:  my supervisor from work came to the party and I kept introducing him as "this is Eric, my supervisor" and now I wish I hadn't.  It dawned on me that it bothered him kind of gradually. It was good to see him there, but also kind of wish I'd been less anxious about the party as a whole.  Karen (O thank the GODS for Karen!) stepped in and organized the kids for different events (pinata, cake, water fight) at my invitation and to the great relief of both Kevin and me.  There were over 20 kids there, and Karen's good at keeping people safe without ruining their fun.  I'm good at keeping people safe but tend to throw in a lot of extra rules and be very cranky.  So I asked Karen for help & she did a wonderful job and everyone said it was a good party, but those two things keep bothering me--the woman with the baby and the fact that Eric left the party a little early and I hope I didn't make him uncomfortable.  I hate making people uncomfortable.  I wish, I wish, I wish I were the kind of person everyone felt relaxed around.  And none of this bothered me before I went to sleep, but you know how it is when you wake up in the middle of the night.  Everything's bigger and more provoking.

I took vicodin at the beginning of the party and was able to join in the waterfight and do a significant portion of clean up without pain.  That was amazing, particularly being able to run & chase kids and not suffer for it.  I got a legit, legal prescription from my doctor for vicodin a couple of days ago and felt like I won the medication jackpot.  Of course, Group Health is super, super cautious about opiates.  I have to keep a med journal and pick up the prescription in person and be prepared to take a urine test any time I do.  Also, the scrip is for 12 pills in a 28 day cycle.  It's a very paternalistic model of health care, but I'll put up with a lot to feel like I did during the water fight, or the way I did after I took the other pill a couple of days ago.  I was able to walk for 45 minutes--briskly--and didn't have the post-exercise fluish my-body-is-hell-wrapped-in-skin feeling until the next day.