creative thing - "Just Fix It"

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

"What the hell--?"
"Stop."
"But I mean-- what on earth--?"
"I said just stop. IT never happened. Turn around. Go about your business. And goddammit Jake -- don't snort at me!"
"I wasn't snorting."
"Yes, you were."
"It was a good natured chuckle."
"Which came through your nose?"
"Maybean, what on earth is going on here?"
And then he stood and looked and there I was still on my knees with the dustpan, refusing to blush even though there was plenty to blush about, covered as I was with gallons of unbleached white flour, ten gallons to be exact, which I new because it had been a new ten gallon tub when I'd started. And there I was, so covered with flour it took Jake plenty of time to figure out that I was naked under all that, stark naked except for my Wednesday panties, which I wear every Sunday. It's kind of my little joke with God.

TI saw the very moment that realization hit him. I tell you his eyes got round and I stuck out my chin and said the first thing I could think of: "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies."
He kind of half laughed then.
"Maybean, I'll tell you what --" he snorted again. "This takes the cakes."
I glared at him but he showed no signs of turning around like any good next door neighbor would. No, he just leaned back against the kitchen counter and crossed his arms and, damn his stupid blue blow tie, looked amused.
WEll fine. Two could play that game. I set down the dust pan and sat right down in the flour and crossed my arms against my chest.
"A god-fearin' Christian man would get off his ass and go find a vacuum cleaner," I suggested. I knew very well he had an almost brand new vacuum cleaner from Walmart cuase I'd seen him cleaning out his car with it for the last two weekends.
"A god-fearin' Christian woman wouldn't be having some kind of kinky baking supplies party on a Sunday morning," he suggested right back, not moving. "She'd be dressed and ready to go to church by now."
"It's fall back you idiot," I said through gritted teeth. "We don't leave for another two hours." Jake hasn't ever got that right in all the time I've known him. Of course, it might have been all those years he was falling forward all the time--up stairs, over sidewalk cracks, across other kids' desks. But even after he grew into his ears, he still wasn't the brightest of pennies. Oh, he was penty samrt, I'll give yout hat. Taught physics at the big school in Monroe and had a lab in his basement. But common sense? Please. The man couldn't rub two cats together and get a yowl from them.
"Oh right," he said. "But seriously--whatcha been doing here?"
"Praying for manna from Heaven," I said. "But all He given me was flour."

He laughed.
"I could get the vac I guess," he said. "But that flou'rs gonna' clog it."
"Which is why I was sweeping."
He got a thoughtful look.
"You know, you'd look pretty good down there wearin' some golden handcuffs," he said. Somethng about my glare must have gotten through to him about then though, because he stopped joking and said he'd go get the vacuum cleaner which gave mea chance to put my housecoat back on, which I'd taken off whent he flour had spilled, which any moron could have told was what happened if they'd just stopped and thought about it.
I like peopel ok. I don't know why everyone thinks I don't. Listen tot he town gossip for very long and you'd think I was Queen of the Bitch League on 9-foot stilts. But I'm really just find with people most of the time. I just don't suffer fools gladly. And since I always seem awash in a seam of them it makes me cranky. I used to pray for patience every night until God saw fit to send me Jimmy Fixit and I just narrowly escaped becoming his fourth wife. Think he's on his seventh now and God bless her cause she's been with him almost two years now, which in my book makes her either braindead or a saint, and she don't seem braindead.
Anyway, my relationship such as it was with Jimmy and the incident with the handcuffs Jake had referred to (although they weren't golden, they were just plain brass) taught me a lot. Not patience of course, but certainly to stop praying for it. I figure God sending me Jimmy was His way of saying--"look. You're alright the way you are." Because if I'd hooked up permanent with Jimmy Fixit, it could have been a lot worse.
I had most of the flour sept up by the time Jake got back with his vacuum cleaner. I suspect he'd kind of planned that--like I said, he isn't really stupid and he knows when I'm mad enough to spit and he said he'd vacuum the lfoor while I got cleaned up & that he'd buy me breakfast at Kozy's if we had enough time.
Jake may be annoying, but he's really decent that way, even if he does hold an embarrassing situation over my head a little to long. It's only because he knows he's one of the two people I won't murder for it. Plus, he's good in a pinch. Don't know what I would have done in that handcuff situation if Jake didn't know how to pick a lock. So there's that. Also, he knows when he's gone too far and is usually gracious about it.
I got dressed for church lickity split and we made our way down to Kozy's & had buscuits & gravy & missed the opening prayer and sat in the back with teenagers and a had a pretty good time at church all in all. Jake, bless his decent soul, didn't say a word about the flour & we'd picked up a few donuts for social hour afterward so no one even missed my double butter raisin scones that I was planning on making. And then Jake gave me a ride back, which would have been a lovely cap on a morning that had turned out pretty ok if he hand't gotten a flat and we hadn't found that body in the trunk of his car.
That'll put a sudden end to real good day fast, finding a body where you're not excpecting one like that.
"Holy Hell," I said when Jake called me back to see it.

No Clever Title

creative thing - "Just Fix It"