mystic_savage

Just spent a lovely weekend in Nooksack with iguanahey and wandawonka.  Most memorable moment:  drinking tea under an outdoor pavilion in a thunderstorm.  Much goodness this weekend with their kids and our kids getting along very well, playing with rock band (kids & adults), just sitting and visiting and not trying to accomplish too much.  Did get down to the river with iguanahey for a bit this morning -- there are some beautiful stones out there.  Now:  back, hot, getting unpacked, drinking iced water.  Ready to rest.

This is our household FAQ, still in its draft stages.  James & Karen & I have been working on it for the past few days.  I've lived here since last September and though we started as mostly renter/landlords and friends, we've become more intentional as a community.  I'm excited by how many of our values we share in common, and by how well things have been working so far (knock on wood).  So, yeah, for those interested, here it is.  

What is Dragon House?
Dragon House is our home.  We are currently two nuclear families assembled into one chosen extended family.  Full or part-time residents are 3 adults and six children.  Dragon House is also the way we extend our home and family to others in our circle.  Our honorary members are people who choose to contribute to our household by eating, working and playing with us.     

Why dragons?
Dragons in most traditions are fierce guardians of that which has value.  Particularly in the Eastern traditions, dragons are guardians of people, land, and wisdom.  They make terrific friends, but it is unwise to seriously piss them off (for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.)  Dragons are long-lived and have wings, letting them look at problems with the perspective of distance in both time and space. They are often introverts, living in solitary caves, but can also be extroverts in flights of dozens or hundreds of dragons.  They shift shape and model flexibility and situational appropriateness. 

The dragon's strength and ability to fly is related to its flame.  In Dragon House we are deeply aware of and respectful of the power of human flame, anger.  When wielded wisely and carefully controlled, anger is a source of power that we respect as a force for good.  However, we are also deeply aware of the destructive power of uncontrolled rage.  In Dragon House we strive to have the loyalty, the wisdom, and the perspective of dragons.  We also strive to avoid the destructive aspects of fire and strive to keep our flames well bounded as a source of light, life, and flight.  And cooking!  We dragons are into good food.

What are our interpersonal values?
We value and try to model for each other self-awareness, clear communication, effective problem-solving, respecting personal boundaries and courtesy.  In addition, adults are expected to back each other up when interacting with children and manage significant disagreements with each other in private.  Both residents and visitors are encouraged to ask questions about why we choose to do things a particular way and whether that is really serving our highest goals and interests.

How does our home work?
The house is owned and the mortgage is paid by James and Karen.  Other adults (that would be me right now) pay rent.  Karen is the full-time kid wrangler and house manager.  All members of the household contribute to the household by doing chores.  We strive for "a labeled place for everything and please return it to that place after you are finished using it."  (Sometimes we actually achieve this goal).  When possible, house rules are written and posted.  In general, rules apply equally to children and adults (ie:  kids can remind adults to clear their place after dinner too).  A rather impressive food pantry is kept in common and most meals are prepared and served in common.  Silent hours are midnight to 6am (a running washing machine is fine, cleaning the kitchen is not).  Quiet hours are 8pm to 8am (cleaning the kitchen is okay:  power tools are not).  Theoretically, breakfast is served at 8:30, dinner is served at 6:00, and lunch is sometime in between. 

What do we hope for ourselves as a household?
We try to be a safe haven for people of all ages, from adult friends who need a crash space for a couple nights to neighborhood children who have accidentally locked themselves out of their house.  We value slow living, recognizing what "enough" is, and questioning the dominant culture to determine what is authentic for us. We explore deep sustainability in very human terms, seeking to support the development of a culture that is healthy for body, soul, planet, and wallet.  We model our household values and lifestyle to visitors, especially children, many of whom have no previous experience with homemade bread, raspberries that can be picked in the backyard, and clearly articulated values and boundaries.

 What is our house motto?"Light a damn candle" (or in Vulcan:  Tanilau ta'hal; wafu ornat, which is literally "Provide illumination despite irritation").

Translation:  It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.  However, we acknowledge that sometimes we may occasionally light that candle with a great deal of annoyance.

Somebody upstairs noticed that I pummeled through four dictation files in an hour and wants to give me a transcription test.  Lots of political push-pull between the main office and this division about using me for transcription back-up and it may not happen, but ten years down the road I'd much rather be a work-from-home transcriptionist than an all purpose all the time secretary.  Color me optimistic.

My very cool closest gamer supervisor and I just rolled to see who had to serve on the Department's Capital Equipment Team.  Highest number "won" the honor.  He rolled the highest number.  WOOT!

Very pleasant weekend with an unusual amount of introspection...lots of lying around on my bed in a semi-drugged state & thinking.  Some really good thinking, I think.

One thing I've decided:  it's so much easier to like whatever the weather is doing that I'm giving up my weather preferences.  I've decided I'm going to be passionately in love with summer when it's summer, with rain when it's rainy, with winter and cold when it's wintery and cold.  Every kind of weather has its fans, but I've noticed most people prefer one thing and then don't like the opposite thing.  For decades I've hated sunshine (it hurts my eyes and burns my skin (which sparkles like diamonds when I'm out in it so...but I digress)).  Every time I've gone outside into bright sunshine I've cringed and groaned and complained and sometimes that was enough to set me into an irritable mood.  But how much energy it takes to keep up that resistance!  I've decided it's not worth it.  Just easier to like the day, whatever the day is doing.

Another thing I'm trying to give up is the luxury of disliking people.  Throughout my life I've had one or two people at a time whom I just can't stand, who set my teeth on edge.  And then I get to know them over several years or through a crisis or something, and often they end up being a good friend or someone I admire a lot.  Well, right now there are two people who just put me on edge if I even see them coming down the road--they can be 50 yards away and I've conditioned myself to respond with hostility on sight.  A bit pavlovian, I guess.  So how much energy do I free up in my life if I just decide that I like everyone?  Or, if not like, if I can like most people and just stay neutral about the rest?  My strong dislikes are irrational.  This is much harder than giving up disliking the sun, but I think I can do it, or work toward.  Life is so much easier if you just accept every thing, every one, every condition for what it is.  

I haven't done a gratitude list in awhile, and I'm not going to do a long one now, but I'd like to note that every time I start thinking about dying, another reason to live asserts itself into my consciousness. Yesterday, it was Harbor Island. How can someone properly think of death while passing a thriving port -- freight cars, ships, trains, trucks -- all moving around, busy in the sunshine, surrounded by sparkling water. And today, Penny needed me to stay home with her. She has an ear infection and Karen couldn't stay home with her and we took her to the doctor and got antibiotics. And this evening Kevin invited me over to have dinner with him & the kids -- copper river salmon, and nobody cooks copper river salmon like Kevin does. He always manages to turn it out perfectly. I am more grateful for being able to continue a relationship with Kevin than I am for anything else. I thought the divorce would pretty much put an end to any friendship we had outside of co-parenting the kids, but instead it has highlighted the best parts of our friendship, which continues to grow, while allowing all the annoyances involved in being married to dissipate. So yes, I'm glad. And no, I can't properly concentrate on gloom & doom today. Will have to save that for October when things turn romantically rainy and everyone dons black again.

I'm still irritable in spurts, but they seem to come & go. Reminded that I've been off of SSRIs now for seven months and am still managing well, considering, you know, history and chemistry and worldview and stuff. Had a good, quiet, productive day at work though...no struggles there. And the kids are liking drama camp. And I'll be asleep in another half an hour, no problem.

Started reading my journal tonight, from when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2005. In that time there has been so much change, a huge, huge amount of change. It's maybe no wonder I'm a little nuts? Although, to be fair, I was more than a little nuts to start off with. But in a good way.

Gratitude-ness today: got a package in the mail with birthday presents from Ed & Katy. The card was awesome -- Katy made it, and it may be the most beautiful card I've ever gotten. It went straight up on my wall. Got two yiddish books from Ed (which i can't wait to read!!!) and an Alice Hoffman novel from Katy (which I've already started reading!!!). Had a bath tonight, a long, hot one. Ate a good breakfast this morning -- the cafeteria workers at UWMC have started to get to know me a bit, and I feel like they always look for the most perfectly cooked pieces of bacon for me. And I found the perfect compass-on-a-chain pendant for my steampunk outfit, but it also looks good with my real clothes. And--I've decided I'm going to check out Norwescon this year. Poke my head into a few sessions & get a sense of whether it's my thing or not. (From the session descriptions it seems very much my kind of thing, particularly the writer workshops. But I'm speaking more about atmosphere.) Allen gave me a ride home from the workshop last night & we had a mini-date & that was my dose of real love for the next few days. So there is a lot to be grateful for, as always.

I'm ok with my life right now.  Lots of perpetual financial stresses that aren't going anywhere soon; very little sleep right now and a little too much actual work at work, but all in all -- it's pretty good.  Today, for example:  very hard to drag my ass to work on 3 hours of sleep, but I got there and discovered someone had left a Lindt bar in my desk with an anonymous note ("Oh ho!  What have we here?")  Took me a few hours to figure out that it was one of the fellows and it was a pleasant mystery to solve -- going around for a few hours thinking just about anyone I worked with could have (and might have) left a gift for me.

Yesterday, another example:  Karen built the loft for my bedroom while I was at work.  So I came home to stress diminished and problem solved -- now Penny has a great place to sleep, my weekend is freed up, and my room looks great.  Karen did a fantastic job.  Another way in which the universe supports me.

And then:  tonight.  I was exhausted this afternoon and Kevin & I happened to talk and he was more than willing to switch nights with me and take the kids home so I can get some sleep tonight.  Another gift.  

My great uncle Hal died yesterday -- the last of my grandma's brothers to go.  Hal was the affable, funny great-uncle.  My other two great uncles were shy, although they all shared that same dry midwestern sense of humor I grew up with.  But Hal was open handed, generous with his stories, warm, good-hearted.  He was the one who had moved out of Kansas to Michigan, and as a result I didn't see much of him, but what I knew of him, I loved. 

Hard to take the daily stresses too terribly to heart when I think of Hal.  Or my grandfather.  Or June, or Sol.  They all had a very good sense of what was worth getting torked up about (not much) and what wasn't (most of the rest of it).  Would love to keep that kind of perspective.  Think I might claim it as my genetic heritage.  Cuz you know what?  All in all, things are pretty damn good.  All in all.

Just enough time to notice a couple of good things from today:

1.  The kids were wonderful today -- very well-behaved at Family Fun Center and lots of fun to be with, both there and at home afterward.  Felt very much like we are all on the same team today.
2.  Karen got the lumber for the loft and it's all pre-cut  and ready to build.  We're going to put it in next weekend.
3.  Had a few hours to myself tonight.  Very much enjoyed them.  Started reading Anansi Boys by Gaiman & finding that it's hard to put down.  I'm really ready for a good book that's hard to put down.  
4.  Now on the 5th day in a row that is low on the pain-scale -- not coincidentally, following the 5th night in a row in which I've gotten enough sleep.

And, you know, spring and stuff.   In a good place to start a new week. 

I had a really great day today. Got up with the whole day stretching out in front of me and no obligations, and decided to go to Duwamish for Jen & Matt's pancake breakfast. (Reminded me of Tom & Michele's pancake breakfasts on snow days when we first moved into Duwamish). Kevin & the kids were at the pancake breakfast, as was Nancy, Cherylann, Jen & Matt, so had some nice time with community folks. Jen was doing a candle making project in the kitchen, so I got to help her dip her winter candles and then make a couple of my own. then i wandered over to the old house and hung out with the kids & Kevin for bit. Some big kids had been mean to Sar, so after helping him process it, Kevin and I played Candy Land with him & then I went home for lunch. After lunch the kids came over (at my invitation) and I helped them create wishlists on Amazon.com. We then played on the computer and watched Return of the Jedi together, and Kevin brought over burritos when he picked up the kids and we all ate together. And instead of thinking "this is so nice; I wish we were still together" I thought "This is so nice" and I didn't wish we were together, I just felt hopeful about where we're all headed as separate households, but still as a family. After the kids left, I talked to Allen and then Andrew on the phone, and then played Bookworm, attaining Level 28 and getting my highest score ever.

It was a good day. A very good day. And I'm not dreading work so much tonight.

five of my coworkers from Harborview stopped by en masse to see me at my new job today. They were on their way to an all-staff pizza party at Anesthesiology. It was a lift. A big lift.

Thanks guys.

See me up there in the photo?  The user icon?  I wanted to be her...all:  in bed, cool cloth on forehead, resting.  Came home from work early to rest this afternoon, but "here" is also where Penny and Sar have their after school child care, so I got embroiled in some negotiations between Karen and Penny (way too much to go into now) and then Kevin came and got them.  And Karen went to her chiropractor's office & James was here with Sam & Tera and I got distracted with one thing & another...then napped for about 45 minutes before realizing I needed more:  kleenex, airborne, tea..

which is all to say (and there are tons of other bits of minutiae there):

there is not enough time!  I need more time!  And someone to put a cool cloth on my forehead and say "there, there".

After Karen got back from her chiropractor's office and we processed the stuff between her and Penny, we said "there, there" to each other.  And she didn't give me a cool cloth, but she *did* bring back burritos from Taqueria Guaymas.  So, you know, that's pretty frickin' cool.

And now, yeah, I'm taking my sniffles back to bed.  Tomorrow is my last day at this job.  I want to be up early to kick work butt tomorrow.

V.

**Except that, as it turned out, it was a Monday night.  So:  no wonder it felt like a Monday night.

Little bits of things to be grateful for (or even just notice) from yesterday and today:

• yesterday:  I noticed how my energy intermingled with the lower branches and leaves of the tree I was standing under while I was waiting for the bus.  i did a quick chelation; grounded; centered -- all in the space of time it took to wait for the 43
• yesterday:  i had a good job interview at the U
• yesterday:  I had a long commute and read several chapters of my book (a Greg Isles suspense/horror thing and very well written).  i was calm during the whole ride
• yesterday:  things went well with the kids.  I made burritos that were really good and had lots of veggies (grass fed beef; refried beans; succotash with soybeans instead of limas; green beans) and the kids ate them. things went according to Plan:  Penny had a bath while Sar played on pbskids; then they switched; Sar let me wash his hair without fighting; I read Sar a story; we went to bed peacefully together and then I got up after they were asleep.
• yesterday:  I sneaked downstairs and watched Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay and it was a guilty pleasure.  terribly scatalogical and sophomoric...and I really enjoyed it.  don't tell anyone.
• this morning:  sar told me about a deep good dream he had in which Papa Jim and Nina (his grandparents) were drowning in a river and he and penny and I saved them
• this morning:  the plan karen and i hatched to get the kids out of bed and out the door on time and peacefully--it worked!  I got to work on time this morning.
• this morning:  one of the guys in the mailroom handed me a poem he had written, about how weakness triumphs over strength and flexibility over rigidity.  it reminded me of lao tzu and I said "are you taoist?" and he said "yes".   so there are three guys in the mailroom, and one is buddhist and another is taoist.  i haven't had any deep talks with the third guy yet.
• the receptionist at the info desk is a closet wiccan.  she's 19 & very cool and in some ways far more mature than i am.  we talk about candles & stuff.
• dr. malakouti helped me unload cases of paper from the cart.  i thought he was doing it out of some macho impulse and told him i could handle it--i'm really strong, i told him.  yes, he said.  but there are two of us.  we can work together.  and he re-cast the whole dynamic into a cooperative one rather than a competitive one -- and i learned. 
• today:  the job interview people invited me back for an interview next week--they're down to two candidates and i'm one of them.
• today:  i ran into my old roommate curtis walking around on columbia at 3rd and got a big hug on the way home.
• today:  when i got back to karen's house, tara stopped nursing to crawl in my lap and rest her head on my chest and give me a big hug.  then she crawled back onto karen's lap and started nursing again.  it was nice to be included.
• today:  i helped karen make dinner and managed to get the dishwasher loaded and running before i left there.
• tonight:  i talked to andrew and was reminded how much i love him.
• tonight:  i talked to kevin, who understands how much i struggle with parenting (especially consistency & safety issues with the kids) and he was nonjudgmental and helpful.

big lesson from the last two days:  i'm not alone.

and that's a whole lot to be grateful for.

mostly boil down to Laurie and Chuck, who were wonderful in 7,923 ways before I stopped counting.
then there was Jenboi's Poly and Queer workshop.
the coffee by JavaGoddess.
the smooth drive up and back.
the circle singing workshop that Ben did
the other families with kids who helped entertain the tribe
the guy who invited me to his trailer...that was good
and it was also good that I didn't go
felt good about how devoted i was to the kids this weekend,
but good, too, that I wasn't tied to them every single moment (again, mostly thanks to Laurie & Chuck)
the tea--the coconut oolong with cream & sugar this morning
the discovery that a whole wheat bagel filled with salmon cream cheese can be grilled with a panini grill for a whole new taste treat
being surrounded by familiar faces...the faces ever familiar even if I didn't always know the names

so yes.  it was a pretty good weekend.  and even better when i got home.

I do clerical work at a hospital right now and this morning I was downstairs and ran into one of my friends from the downtown bus-stop.  We talk sometimes while we are waiting for the bus.  She doesn't speak much english (she's from Africa) and she's always wrangling these twin 5-year-old boys and I think she must be fairly alone.  So we talk at the bus-stop once in awhile and she practices english and I try to learn even a few phrases of Meru. 

I ran into her downstairs.  She was lost, wandering around with one of her boys (who was dressed in hospital garb) and she looked a bit frightened.  When she saw me, her face lit up and she hugged me and I hugged her back and then I helped her find the right elevator to her floor. 

Later today, I was down by the elevator on the ground floor and as I was approaching the elevators I saw a very frustrated man in a wheelchair. His wife was trying to placate him.  I asked how long they'd been waiting, and they said they'd been bypassed by two full elevators already and had been down there ten minutes.  At that moment I noticed the door to the freight elevator open in the hallway to the side of the main elevator bank, and I ran over there to stop it and hold the door open for them so that they could ride the freight elevator up to their floor.  It seemed to defuse the situation.

Returning to wait for the main elevator, I was joined first by a teenage girl in a wheelchair with an IV attached.  She wore a neck brace and had crookedly bent hands and one leg in a cast from her ankle as far up as I could see.  A minute later, a guy in a wheelchair joined us.  He was wearing shorts and had some raw skin rubbed off of his thigh.  The girl asked about if it was a burn.

"Nope," the guy said, "This is where they took the skin to put on my shoulder and on this foot".  He pointed.  She kind of blanched.  He was missing a finger.  He continued to talk.  "They also took this finger and this leg."

"Oh," she said.  "I'm sorry."

"I'm not," he said.  "I'm alive!  And I got something too!"  He seemed to be enjoying the conversation.  "I took 1500 volts electricity from Seattle City Light." 

"Wow," I said.

"Yup," he said, "And it was free!"  The elevator came then and he continued to joke with me all the way up to the 7th floor. 

Another conversation: most days  I stop to talk to L, one of the mailroom guys and he's usually quite cheerful.  This morning I asked how he was doing and he said, "I wish I could say ok.  But I'm not."  I told him I was sorry and asked if there was anything I could do to help him.  He said no, it was just early and he'd probably feel better as the day went on.  Later I checked in with him and he was his cheerful self again.  He said he'd felt better since he'd had lunch, but it was hard for him to forget his past sometimes and stay in the present. 

I talked to G., the receptionist, on my mail rounds too.  She told me she'd missed work yesterday to be with a friend whose uncle had died the night before.  She and her fiancee had both gone over there to cry with her and hold her.

"We just went there to love her," she said.  "She needed love.  And that's what it's all about, isn't it?"

Yes, G, it is.  It really is.

I had a bunch of stuff to do this weekend, but my main task was to get my floor painted in the bedroom I'm moving into.  I had to have my kids with me so I kept impressing on them that whatever else we did, I had to get that done.  They kept interrupting and finally, in exasperation, I asked them:  "WHAT is the main job this weekend?"  Penny (age 7) said "Paint your room".  But Sar (age 6) said no.  "Our main job is to love each other," he said.

God I love my kids.

I don't know how I ended up dating people again.  I really just intended to have coffee with a few people; maybe something would grow with one of them.  But I've found myself meeting people and thoroughly enjoying myself and having all kinds of energy around being social.  I caution myself that I need to be responsible, stay centered, keep my life moving forward spiritually...but I find myself playing. 

It's been wonderful:  I've met long-term LJ friends this week and figured out instantly why we are LJ friends.  I've met OKC matches.  I got back to the Grind* last night and saw people I haven't seen in awhile.  Met someone for coffee, which turned into walking, dinner, dancing, seduction.  I wish life could be just a happy dancing ever expanding circle of love and pleasure.

But (I remind myself sternly) there's more.  I'm on a path.  I have a family.  I have work to do.  And it's time to find the balance between the various elements of my life, to keep what is most important in the long term somewhere in the foreground of the immediate.  And now, to work.

*The Grind is a dance night hosted by the Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle.  Wiki here.

Yesterday, I registered and enrolled in Psych 200, Lifespan Development.  It's one of four prerequisite psych classes I need to take to apply to the Art Therapy program at Antioch or the Master's in Counseling programs at either Antioch or Argosy.  (Both have rolling admissions, so as soon as I finish the classes I'll be able to apply).

Also yesterday, I had two job interviews.  One in the Department of Medicinal Chemistry and one in the School of Social Work.  Seems like the Medicinal Chemistry job would be the least stress, but they both have things to offer about them.  Would welcome an offer from either, although would face the Social Work job with more trepidation than the other.  The Med Chem job seems laid back.  The other is a program coordinator/assistant to director position in a program that is funded half by UW and half by DSHS/state of Washington.  So there would be not one, but two, bureaucracies to manage.  But the program director is a woman who seems to have a good sense of humor and compassion.

Last weekend, I finished leveling the concrete floor and filling in the nail holes of the room at Karen & James' house (where I am going to move at the end of August).  Got to the point of actually buying the paint for the floor.  It's a color I call "Mystical Purpose", but its real name is "Mystical Purple."  You can look it up on the Behr website, but I found a close-looking sample on another site:


I'm pleased with it.  The walls are stark white & I only have $$ to do the floor right now, but as time goes on I may--oh I dunno--tile a bright yellow border at the bottom of the wall or buy a thousand plants or something.  The thing I'm going to miss the most about my current bedroom is the purple wall, so it will be nice to have a purple floor to make up for it. 

I want to downsize quite a bit...get rid of at least 2/3 of what I currently own.  I want a more spare, simpler physical environment.  Moving is a great opportunity to de-junk, although I don't really have that much junk.  But I'm going to keep only what I really love, keep only those clothes I look forward to wearing and plan to wear at least 10 more times in the next year.  I'm going to keep the books I go back to over and over again, and the books I work out of and a few of the books I haven't read yet --that's still probably 200 books, but everything else is going.  I'm getting rid of my beading supplies and my art supplies -- well, they'll be absorbed into Karen's craft supplies since she has a lot of those things.

So all in all, things are moving along & going ok.  Hope you are all well. 

Love and light,

Virginia

The internet is raising the vibration on this planet.  It is an unprecedented channel of communion somewhere between gross physical experience on one end of the spectrum and wandering the Astral plane in some etheric dream state on the other end of the spectrum.  For the first time in human history, we have a way of consciously meeting not only the like-minded, but the like-hearted and the like-spirited.

Andrew is in town and so, for several hours at a time, all is right in the world. 
Penny and Sar got published in their school paper.  Penny's story was called "12 Princesses and Me" and it includes the phrase "and then we all danced in a golden gazillion".  Sar told a surreal story about a tongue that ate the school.  They each authored a fortune cookie and their quotes were featured (along with their other classmates' ) in the paper.
Penny:  Someday, you will get what you always wanted.  Like a Hannah Montana toy. 
Sar: You will have different dreams, good and bad.
He'll be six (six!) in another 10 days.  How he has grown in the last couple of months since starting school...it's been astounding to watch.
I'm feeling physically better now than I was yesterday.
Karen and James got the wall up in their basement and now they have a real bedroom for me.  It's 8 and a half by 15 feet...long and narrow, but certainly big enough for me & my stuff.  Karen's taken up the powder-blue carpet and I think we're going to paint the concrete underneath.  There are several steps involved in painting concrete right, so it'll take prep and time, but I'm planning to help finish the floor in July, start moving stuff in during August, and start paying rent and living there in September.
Kevin has the kids in Vancouver this weekend, so I have the house to myself.
I had a great phone conversation with my grandmother a couple of days. She's 93, still living independently in Ransom, Kansas, and always a joy to talk to.  A conversation with her ranges from politics (she's a Barak Obama supporter in a land of Bush Republicans), to literature (she's read more National Book Award winners than I have), to local news (the minister's young wife has multiple tumors and has been flown to the Mayo Clinic for treatment). She's always gracious and polite, but if I'm blunt or even crude, it makes her laugh.  When I think of the world she grew up in...riding three miles to school on the family horse...and then think of everything that she's seen and lived through, adjusted to, accepted and affirmed...sweeping political and technological changes, a son who has a poly marriage, a bisexual grand-daughter and great-grand-daughter...I am in awe.  When I grow up, I want to be more like her.
I've talked to Mom and Dad on the phone recently too.  So they're up-to-date on the latest and supportive.  I'm lucky to have parents that really understand depression and who hold hope for me when I can't hold it for myself.
I had a date with Charles this week.  It was too short--a couple of hours between work and his drive back to Bellingham--but it was much anticipated and much needed.  I'll see him and Laurie and the kids again on July 5th, when I head up there on the train to spend the night.
And I have a job I kind of like, which is no small matter.  It's not the most stimulating job in the world, but I do a lot of walking all over the hospital and find that I'm more toned than I am on other jobs.
Fibromyalgia and depression have been kicking my ass, but I suppose there is something there to be grateful to as well. Or maybe that's stretching it.  Yeah, that's stretching it.  But I'm glad to have been able to write this much tonight.  Maybe the summer solstice heralds something better...

From a bedtime conversation with the kids tonight.  I started reciting the 23rd Psalm.

Penny:  It's time to sleep, not time for prayers.
Me:  Actually, sleep is a pretty traditional time for prayers.  It's a good time to thank God for what he does for us.
Sar:  God helps us every day without us even knowing.
Me:  Yeah?  How did God help you today?
Sar:  She helped me learn in counting.  She helps me in math.  She helped me figure out what 8 and 8 is.
Penny:  God helps me.
Sar:  It's 16.
Penny:  God helps me know what's right to do.  And to listen to the teacher.
Me:  Well...good.  God helps me not be so afraid sometimes.  So I like to thank Him once in awhile right before I sleep.
Me:  Thank you, God, for my wonderful children and for all the love in my life.
Penny:  I love you God.
Sar:  Thank the God in me, and thank the God in Penny and thank the God in Daddy and thank the God in the whole world.
Me:  That's nice Sar.  Let's go to sleep.
Penny:  God is in everybody, you know.
Sar:  Not the bad people.
Me:  Well, there aren't really bad people.  Everyone's a mix.  But we should really go to sleep.  It's time to stop talking.
Sar:  What about the kids God made?
Me:  He made Adam and Eve.
Sar:  No, the kids.
Penny:  You know, the brothers.  One was good and one was bad.
Me:  You mean Cain and Abel?
Penny:  The one who stabbed...
Sar:  Yeah.  The one who killed his brother.  He was bad.
Me:  He was a mix.  They both were.  He just listened to his bad side and Abel listened to his good side.  Now, it's time to be quiet...
Sar:  How old was he?
Me:  Who?
Sar:  The bad one.
Me:  18.  He was 18.
Sar:  How old was the one who died?
Me:  Old. He was 22.  Now sleep.
Penny: (suspiciously)  Is that true?
Me:  I don't know.  The Bible doesn't say.  But it's 10:30 and your bedtime was two hours ago.  So sleep!
***
A couple of days ago I was driving the kids around and I told them the story of how God created human beings according to the Bible.  I said it was one kind of truth, but that there were others.  I told them the first man was Adam.  Sar corrected me.  He said the first man was Tom Bombadill, because Tom Bombadill is older than the hills.  Which led to an interesting discussion about different kinds of truth and different stories. 

Sometimes my kids blow me away.

And I don't know where I'll be tomorrow...
I didn't have time to write a last missive from the suicide cube yesterday, but it was my last day on the job.  I bowed out because I'm sick and they need someone super healthy and energetic...the fundraising breakfast is less than a week away and I felt my energy and focus becoming more diffuse instead of more concentrated. So I'm at home now (still with no voice) and recuperating.  And by "recuperating" I mean drinking coffee, taking naps, playing around on Facebook -- you know, all the fun stuff.
Mother's Day was wonderful.  I was sick, but everyone let me sleep until 11:30, when they woke me with cards and coffee.  Penny, who couldn't write anything more than her name three months ago, wrote a poem for me and wrote a message on the card.  Sar wrote on the card too-- "I lov you" -- very impressive for a 5-year-old!   Penny's poem was wonderful -- and full of backwards s's and cute misspellings.  Penny picked out the card they gave me -- it was a piece called "the sound of the chakras" and it's really beautiful.  Kevin gave me a card too -- a picture of Henry the 8th with a pierced eyebrow, ipod, happy face pin, peace symbol pin.  He wrote:  for Mother's Day, let's buy you a Queen-sized bed.
Pretty darn generous for a soon-to-be-ex-husband.
We're filing a confirmation of issues this month, and our attorney has bowed out.  She's not going to practice law any more because of health issues.  So it may be another eon before we've roused ourselves to finish the divorce.  At this point that's fine with me.  Kevin's doing some heavy lifting of the family financially, and I'm still covered by his insurance as long as we're still married.  No doubt the end of the marriage will coincide nicely with some permanent job opportunity...that kind of synchronicity seems to be how my life works.
Case in point:  yesterday, I decided to leave the job at about 11:00.  I talked to my supervisor on site, then called the agency and told them I'd finish out the day.  When I got home, I had phone messages from two other agencies about jobs -- just out of the blue!  I hadn't called them with my availability or anything.  And I haven't heard from any agencies out of the blue in the last three weeks.  So that was super cool.  I don't think I can work in the next couple of days -- I can't even speak today -- but I feel affirmed by the coincidence.
So.  Blessings to all of you.  I'll try to be more present in the next few days than I have for the last couple of weeks.

I had a wonderful weekend with iguanahey and wandawonka.  It was mostly quiet:  lots of napping and tv-watching along with going to yard sales, making collages, taking a quiet walk with iguanahey at Whatcom Falls park.  Then a quick, quiet train ride home.  Very restorative and was exactly the kind of weekend I needed.

It's a little know historical fact that Jesus and his Apostles occupied a cubicle farm.  Jesus didn't like to put himself above the others:  his cubicle was the same size as everyone else's.  Thomas kept popping his head over the divider to ask Jesus questions.  Peter spent a lot of time on his own email (he was very popular on Facebook).  Judas had the cube directly under the florescent light.  It hummed all day and drove him nuts, which explains a lot.

***

I'm enjoying bitching about work right now, but there is a lot of other stuff in my life that makes it fun and worthwhile.  This weekend, for example, I'm taking the train to Bellingham, where iguanahey will pick me up.  He'll drive me back to his family's place and I'll get to hang out, nap, just generally be lazy.  Another example-- a silly one.  Mob Wars.  Dumb Facebook application, but I'm digging it.  Lots of virtual hiring of hitmen to off my enemies.  Revealing me to myself as a very violent person.  No surprise.  Probably a good thing I don't have access to millions.

Now, though, I'm off to do one of my other favorite things:  snuggle my kids down for bedtime.  Hope you all have a good weekend!

Spent all day grumbling about the house and sleeping most of the afternoon, and feel much much better now and ready to join the human race thankyouverymuch.  I really have to give kudos to osmie, who jollied me along in the comments to my emo post of this morning.  If you haven't seen the comments to that post, go take a look.  I'm sure you'll snorfleglot just like koppermoon did. 

If I haven't said this lately:  I love you people. 

Virginia

Heard from UW today and they've decided to go another way.  That is, I'm not accepted into their MFA program.  Oddly, I don't feel crushed or even particularly very attached to the result of the decision.  Having a scholarship from UBC really takes the sting out of it...still smiling about that.  Also, this keeps my decision to work full-time, or close to it, a strong possibility...perhaps even at the Times if it all works out.

Big if about the Times.  Not sure I know enough about the job to want it full time and forever.  Yesterday I sure didn't.  75 email messages in my in-box; something like 14 meeting requests, and all of them big meetings involving lots of people.  Today I had about the same number of requests to set up meetings, but they were small meetings and less urgent and easier to manage.  I joked when I took this job it would be "Calendar Bootcamp" and it is.

Kevin is taking the kids to Mexico for a week starting tomorrow morning.  I'm house-sitting for my own house and Sandra's simultaneously...a task made much easier by the Honk! Fest West folks who will be staying here (Julie & Adrian & Gareth & Mister).  I'm really looking forward to seeing Andrew.

I was watching a movie in my bedroom early this morning, when I heard a crash above me.  I looked out the window and part of a front grill was sitting in my backyard, and there was a tire in Maria's backyard next door.  I threw on some clothes and ran outside and up the ramp (Phil and Ray were already headed up there) and when I got to the top of the ramp I saw the black pick up truck that had crashed down the embankment and into a tree just above our triplex.  The driver was gone.  When Phil and Ray got back they said he'd just crawled out the window and taken off.  According to the police who showed up, the truck wasn't stolen, so he may have just been in shock.  I kinda was.  It was just all interesting and curious and stuff until Maria pointed out that the tree saved our lives. But she was in shock for real--she actually saw the truck come plunging down the embankment toward her in real time.   So yah.  That's our excitement for this morning.  Thank you trees and blackberry bushes.  And thank you City of Seattle, who will be towing the truck out of there so I don't have to worry about it falling further.

Right now I'm walking around in a bubble of synchronicity.  I've got this great job all of a sudden, which means I'm leaning more and more toward UBC because it's an online program and I can do it at night.  But UBC, for an American, costs about $800 per credit, while UW and Western cost significantly less than that (Western's about half).  So I've been thinking this week that I want to commit to this job but not sure how I'm going to manage grad school financially.  And then I get this in my email on Thursday:

Dear Virginia:
I'm pleased to inform you that we intend to nominate you for a UBC
Graduate Entrance Scholarship in the amount of $3000 (Canadian Funds)...

which evens up the difference.  I think it's fair to say that I'm leaning heavily toward the online program and keeping the job at the Times.  But more to the point (the point being that I'm walking around in a bubble of synchronicity) I feel like things are just falling into place around me and all I have to do is just live with as much intention and awareness as I can muster so that I can see it.

I feel very supported right now.

First:  I got a job today.  It's a temporary-to-permanent position as an administrative assistant in the New Media division of the...


Secondly:  remember a couple of weeks ago when I was so upset because I had $89 in my account instead of a few hundred and just figured it was because I'd already had all my vacation pay figured into the check previous to that one?  Well, guess what?  I had a deposit show up in my account today, and it included all my vacation days!!  So I'm not knuckle-dragging broke anymore!  I was able to pay Kevin back the money he loaned me from the family account, and I still had enough money left to get me through the next week or two!

So all in all, things are looking up in Virginia Land lately.  Not bad for a Monday, hunh?

Spent the weekend in Everson/Nooksack and had a relaxing time. Enjoyed L and C's company, hanging out with them & their kids, getting a bit of a break from my kids (who were fairly reasonable this weekend what with the other kids and the good weather to distract them). Got the car clean and received a bunch of clothes. All is goodness there. This is the G-rated version of the weekend; if you want the "adult themes" version, well...there is one, but I don't have the time to write about it as tactfully as this part of my journal requires or as juicily as it felt for the erotic filter. So let's just say "yum" and leave it at that. Oh and maybe leave a cryptic "she bites!" and "oh wow" for myself so I know that the yum was with J. as well as C. Shoot. This isn't G-rated anymore, is it.

Didn't get on the computer for a couple of days and probably won't have much time to in the next couple of days. I'm tempting that is temping as a receptionist at a construction company in Bellevue  for at least Monday and Tuesday.  It only pays $14 an hour, but I'm glad I took it (in spite of the l-0-o-n-g ass bus commute) because I just got my last paycheck deposited from the UW, and it's just for one day instead of for six days.  Long story, and my mistake, but it means that I've got $89 shiny new dollars in my bank account instead of the $600 or so I suspected.  DOH! Quite ok and casual about it now, but that was a tearful panic attack for a few minutes let me tell you.  I have really, really good friends like breklor and wandawonka though, and they talked me down. I'm fine now.

Owe some people on facebook some messages and contact and so on -- word game plays and what not.  Won't get on at work, so may not catch up with everything until after this assignment ends.  Now:  to pack my lunch for tomorrow, to get ready for bed, to sleep.  Good wishes to all of you.

Kevin and I might be getting the Seattlest Divorce of the Year Award from the Chamber of Commerce for 2008 -- or at least we might be getting it if the Chamber of Commerce offered one.  We've done most of it ourselves, and we met with an attorney -- Jean Hilde -- today at the Starbuck's at Greenlake, where we had the upper room to ourselves and we all sipped lattes and talked about paperwork.  Jean was recommended by Kevin's girlfriend, Maria, who lives next door.  And I liked her.  It was...kinda fun, actually.  And reassuring to both of us that as soon as we do the next bits of paperwork, the rest is pretty much a done deal.  After the meeting with the lawyer, Kevin took me to the bus stop on the 11 route so I could get directly home.  He had a meeting at work.

I also met with a placement specialist at Woods & Associates this morning and I think I'm going to start working for them again.  I had a few plum assignments eight years ago.  The kind of stuff I love to do (formatting/word processing/project stuff) pays much better now than it did in the back-when.  It's $15-20 an hour now; then it was $10-12.  Dude.  If I got a $20/hour job I'd be making more than I did at the U...and getting paid weekly. 

Penny told me this morning that "back then" people were smarter and when they built their houses they didn't take over all the animals' homes.  I said "back when?" "You know, back then." "Do you mean cave times?"  "No," she said.  "You know, back when Mary and Laura were in the Big Woods."

Going to Vancouver on the 6:30 bus tonight and not coming back until Monday.  In a word, wahooooooooooooo!

I love home.  Which is where I am today.  Listening to the dishwasher hum.  Writing in sentence fragments.  Ducking work.  Drinking coffee.  Napping.  Watching a movie. Folding laundry.  Packing for Bellingham. Taking it easy.  Love it.

1. I read a whole chapter of a book last night and at the end of the chapter I knew what I'd read.
   
2. I enforced boundaries with the kids last night and didn't take it personally when they threw fits.
3. I listened to SJ Tucker and Gaia Consort on the bus this morning instead of Evanescence and Garbage.
4. I'm cautious about this, but I'm actually starting to feel some of that...whaddaya call it?...hope.

"My view is that it's all  spiritual work.  Put in even more extreme terms, the only way we can do spiritual work that's individually meaningful is to mindfully process the ordinary material of our lives.  We're each dealt what we need to work on, and we can't help but work on it.  We can make the most of it, from a spiritual perspective, by asking (ourselves? God?) its significance in the larger scheme of the journey, and in the still larger scheme of the world as a whole.  If we do, we're likely to be more successful from a practical perspective too.  But in any case, we're going to deal with the ordinary material of life because there's no choice, and our manner of dealing with the ordinary material of life will have spiritual significance because that's the way the laws of karma work."

--old_cutter_john

I just wrote 3600 words and got caught up and even a little ahead on my wordcount for nanowrimo.
I had a wonderful day with breklor yesterday, and nine hours of sleep between the two kids.  Which I needed.  To recover from the wonderful day.  Discovered the world's best coffee-flavored cookies at the M Street Grocery on 8th & Madison. 
I found a good cheesecake recipe that I'm going to adapt to make sugarfree oreo cheesecake for thanksgiving weekend with wandawonka and iguanahey.
I'm mostly caught up on work stuff and I don't have a cold anymore.
I get three more writing nights and a writing weekend this week. 

Joss is going to do TV again! With Eliza!!

http://hollywoodinsider.ew.com/2007/10/whedon-returns-.html

(on the flip side of the coin, it's with FOX, so it'll probably be canceled midway through the first season, but not if I have anything to do with it)

Ooooo! I'm so happy I could SQUEE!

Fell asleep in Kevin's bed last night with the kids.  (Kevin wasn't here, so it was ok).  We didn't mean to, just all crashed there and didn't wake up until he got home at 10:30 from his "How to Be a Farmer" workshop.  He carried the kids to bed and I dragged my butt downstairs to my own bed and crashed until 8 this morning when I woke up surrounded again by kids.  So I slept for a total of ten hours or so last night.

Today was the annual retreat at Duwamish & we had a post-settlement rehash & appreciation ceremony.  I think it's the first time in a year or so that I've felt this much a part of the community because I've been one of the three people on the legal team representing the LLC, so we haven't been able to be part of the Homeowners' business meetings or work structure.  They gave us each bouquets of flowers, but I think we all acknowledge that there's a huge lot of work ahead of us in rebuilding community after all the damage of the last two years.  I'm not sure where I'm going to be in the long run.  Kevin and Maria talked to a real estate agent about land around Bellingham this weekend, so either UBC or Western might ultimately be a good choice for me.  Don't know if we'll be able to sell this year, or next, or when, but it looks more possible now that we may get our equity out of the house.  Kevin's taking a day off this week to work on the divorce paperwork, so that's going to move ahead too.  He's ready finally.

So:  this morning brought all *that* up, and then I had the afternoon free for a few hours during which I (drum roll please)...slept.  Yup.  That was pretty much it.  The kids were Kevin's responsibility today and he had hired Jenelle to look after them.  She's 13, so I stuck around and we bought pizza and watched Land Before Time IX.  And because Jenelle was here, I got to spend more time in my room, cleaning, organizing, re-stringing a couple of bead necklaces, etc.  All in all, a pretty satisfying day.  And I'm thinking now that I might....(yawn)...sleep.  Seems to be theme of the day.

"Sar, I love you. I love you Elessar."

By some miracle of the gods and goddesses, my children have both been asleep for the last hour and a half. I've been: enjoying the softness of the air on my skin, drinking diet coke, reading Range of Motion, making up new burritos (cold garbanzos and broccoli), rubbing lavender oil on my newly-shaved head, catching up on email.

I've not been: doing laundry or dishes, writing query letters or cover letters, organizing paperwork, doing any committee work, or talking on the phone. I can hear my next-door neighbor's wind chimes, my fingers typing away here, the hum of the computer. The faintest trill of bird sounds. A light mewling sound from the kids' room, which subsides as the kid in question falls asleep again.

Today has been the kind of day I love: no plans, but not too lazy either. K was home earlier this morning and ran out to the Uptown to get some coffee for us before disappearing for work. We started with a big family cuddle when I woke him this morning. It was the kind of morning that reminded me of how things were back when we were a couple: I'd tickle him awake and he'd "bedmonster" me. Now he bedmonsters the kids and I sit on the edge of the bed and act as a rebounder to toss them back into the action. It was a very fun, lovey, cosy little morning time, and I almost forgot all of my bitterness long enough to wish we were in love again. So I got up and went downstairs. I wouldn't go back to that blind time--I like this time, the freedom of it, the truth of it, how much more and better it fits both of us than the time when we were stumbling along trying to seem like a Mr. and Mrs. Sunday Morning. But I digress.

So: K. got us coffee, then the kids and I went to the common house and did laundry and played in the playroom. Nutmeg played on the swingset with some other little kids and Boulevard toddled around the playground while Fiona watched him and I got to talk with a couple of neighbors. They both teach during the school year so they're home during the day only in the summer and there was some novelty to having a long conversation with them. At lunchtime, the kids and I ate at the common house: a chilled ginger-carrot soup left over from last night's meal, then I mopped the kitchen floor, retrieved my laundry and headed home with kids to shave my head while they took a long bath. Nutmeg says she wants to shave her head too, but I tell her it's an adult thing, something she needs to think about. Still, I'm flattered, even if she is 3. We watched a little t.v. today: just cyberchase, which moves way too fast for my children, but keeps them completely absorbed so I can call a friend.

Tomorrow is Boulevard's second birthday. I'm having cake for everyone in the common house. And karaoke. Just in case anyone wants to karaoke.

Anna

I love mornings like this. I've been awake for an hour, but the rest of the family is sound asleep. It's cool, birds chirp outside my window, and I've just spent 45 minutes browsing images on the web and playing around with a paint program.

When I was in high school I used to get up at 4:30 in the morning just to have a long shower and some solace in the morning. I lived with nine people; the quietest times of day were right after school (when all the other kids had activities and I could watch Charlie's Angels at my leisure) and early, early in the morning. I used to make coffee, read for an hour, walk out into the garden after dawn to pick early peas and eat them right off the plant. We lived in the middle of 80 acres. The smell of earth and cows and pond frost and the patches of fresh mint one of our housemates had planted all mixed together to create morning. Morning was my favorite time of day.

Now. I don't see much of morning. I wake already surrounded by active little people with a busy to-do right in my forebrain: change E's diaper, make sure P gets on the potty, unload dishwasher, load diswasher, make toast for kids (P always insists on helping, so that involves pulling out the step stool and guiding her through the buttering process), make coffee--and usually somewhere in there the phone rings or a neighbor stops by or a fight erupts or someone's whining and it's a matter of blindly stumbling through all my tasks, while sleep deprived, while trying not to yell at anyone, while dealing with whatever comes up...and all I want to do is stop. Drink coffee. Read.

But today. Today is a wonderful morning. I got enough sleep, I've had time to write. I got nothing to complain about. Color me content.